Best Acceptance Speech Ever
"A lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. Can you believe this shit? Hell has frozen over. Suck it, Jesus, this award is my god now." -- Kathy Griffin, accepting an Emmy award for her show Kathy Griffin:...
Favorite Quotes
[71 entries.]
quote of the day
"Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful." -William Morrisqu...
My New Favorite Quote
"My favorite definition of a libertarian- and I can't remember where I stole it from- is 'a conservative who wants to sleep with liberal women.'" -- From the comments on Pandagon's article: "But Rush told me you had to tolerate my dick in your mouth" Funny because it's true....
quote of the day
Do it. If it is not good enough, observe more and think. And then do it again. - SK Lam...
My Past Falwell Greatest Hits
Jokes about Falwell from the past that people are suddenly linking to now. No guarantees on the quality of the jokes... The Theological Significance of Tinky Winky 6 Reasons Tinky Winky Can't Be Gay The Top 13 Reasons Jerry Falwell Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is Gay The Batty Hymn of the Repugnant Top Ten Jerry Falwell Pet Peeves About...
Michele Bachmann
"Any of you who have members of your family that are in the lifestyle - we have a member of our family that is. This is not funny. It's a very sad life. It's part of Satan, I think, to say this is gay. It's anything but gay." - Michele Bachmann, (R) Minnesota 6th District. I'm pretty damn happy, myself,...
Clerks II
"Well then, you must be as blind as Anne Frank, 'cause what's the point in having an internet connection if you're not using it to look at weird, fucked-up pictures of dirty sex you'll never have yourself?" - Clerks II...
The Bushes are "suffering"
On the Today Show this morning: ANN CURRY: Do you know the American people are suffering… watching [Iraq]? LAURA BUSH: Oh, I know that very much, and, believe me, no suffers more than their president and I do when we watch this. And certainly the commander-in-chief who has asked our military to go into harm’s way. AC: What do you...
Good Disguises
Me to a co-worker: "But would you expect me to have a mustache and goatee? No - that's why it's a good disguise!"...
Favorite Quotes
"Stop feeling sorry for yourself because someone said you're going to die. I got an idea that's gonna help us both. Now it is dangerous, and there's a very good chance you will die. But if you don't die, then we win. I don't know about you, but things have really sucked for me lately, and I could use a...
Liberals
"Liberals got women the right to vote. Liberals got African-Americans the right to vote. Liberals created Social Security and lifted millions of elderly people out of poverty. Liberals ended segregation. Liberals passed the Civil Rights Act, the Voting Rights Act. Liberals created Medicare. Liberals passed the Clean Air Act, the Clean Water Act. What did Conservatives do? They opposed them...
On the Bible
"Luckily, I happen to have a Bible laying around this house, because even though I'm not a Christian, I was an English major, and it is important to Know Your Ancient Mythologies if you are reading poetry." -- Amanda Marcotte, Pandagon.net thankyouverymuch....
Queer Quotes
Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?" -- Jon Stewart
Valentines Day Thoughts From The Quotable And Notable
I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid. -- Dorothy Parker
Catholic League Bill Donohue Quotes
According to transcripts of his speech at Justice Sunday: The most insane idea I've heard in my whole life, of two men getting married, I mean - that's something that you expect in the asylum, quite frankly. Donohue on MSNBC: Hollywood is controlled by secular Jews who hate Christianity in general and Catholicism in particular. It's not a secret, OK?...
Nature cannot be fooled
Richard Feynman's famous conclusion to his report on the shuttle Challenger accident, which arose again in the Columbia accident, is "For a successful technology, reality must take precedence over public relations, for Nature cannot be fooled." [cribbed from Edward Tufte.] Yeah, no shit. Someone should point this out to Bush, tout de suite....
Favorite Quotes
Maureen Dowd on Dick Cheney: "In a democracy, when you run a campaign that panders to homophobia by attacking gay marriage and then your lesbian daughter writes a book about politics and decides to have a baby with her partner, you cannot tell Wolf Blitzer he’s “out of line” when he gingerly raises the hypocrisy of your position."...
More Gatsby
“Self-control!” Repeated Tom incredulously. “I suppose the latest thing is to sit back and let Mr. Nobody from Nowhere make love to your wife. Well, if that’s the idea you can count me out. . . . Nowadays people begin by sneering at family life and family institutions, and next they’ll throw everything overboard and have intermarriage between black...
Gatsby
He smiled understandingly—much more than understandingly. It was one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you may come across four or five times in life. It faced—or seemed to face—the whole external world for an instant, and then concentrated on you with an irresistible prejudice in your favor. It understood you just so...
Best Post-Degrassi quote of the day
"You put your underwear on inside out and you're calling me a dork?"...
Quote
"Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly...
"I'm not a bigot"
Via the Consumerist, this incredibly funny quote: Now, I am NOT trying to bash homosexuals and I am not a bigot; however, I feel homosexuality is morally wrong and should not be "promoted" as what is the norm for society. Shorter: "I am not a basher or a bigot, however, I am a basher and a bigot."...
bitter and angry
Biff, on "Fundies say the darndest things:" "I'm of the opinion that homosexuals should not be police officers any more than they should join the military. Regarding the humorless of lesbians, perhaps it is because women are designed by God to be fulfilled through childbirth/child raising, so by choosing to be lesbians they deny themselves fulfillment in life. Hence, they...
Staceyann Chin’s speech/poem at Gay Games VII
A selection from Stacyann Chin's speech at the Opening Ceremonies of the Gay Games (this was the part I love so much): I don’t know why but the term lesbian just seems so confrontational to me why can’t you people just say you date other people? Again I say nothing tongue and courage tied with fear I am at once...
Quotes
"We have now sunk to a depth at which restatement of the obvious is the first duty of intelligent men." -- George Orwell...
Equality
"Equality is not a concept. It's not something we should be striving for. It's a necessity. Equality's like gravity. We need it to stand on this earth as men and women. The misogyny that is in every culture is not a true part of the human condition. It is life out of balance, and that imbalance is sucking something out...
Imagine a World
B Tal captured this photo at the New England Holocaust Memorial. Imagine a World "Ilse, a childhood friend of mine, once found a raspberry in the camp and carried it in her pocket all day to present to me that night on a leaf. Imagine a world in which your entire possession is one raspberry and you give it...
Two Unrelated Quotes
“The steam that blew the whistle never turned the wheel.” -- "Believe me, I sympathize with you; it just comes out as laughter." -- my co-worker Beth....
Quotes
"... because we watched a debate from the House of Representatives about the Iraq Resolution, and it did seem like – you ever been to Trafalgar Square, where they have the, uh, speaker’s corner where, like, crazy people get up on a box, and go, “Harrumph! And Roosevelt stole my couch!” You know, that kind of stuff? They seem like,...
Quote
"Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance." --Sam Brown...
Party Arrival Times
My favorite quote from the comments on this discussion about what is the optimal time to arrive at a party: This only works if all guests judge by the same criteria. They do not. In many circles, late arrivers are seen as lazy, irreponsible, disorganized, rude, or to posers or strivers who try to cram as many parties as possible...
A Priceless Quote
Regarding the same-sex marriage ban: "I don't believe there's any issue that's more important than this one," said Sen. David Vitter, a Louisiana Republican. Note where the guy is from -- a state who's citizens are still displaced all over the country, who had a major U.S. city destroyed last year....
blaming mathematics for your inability to add
From the crushworthy site NonSequitur: So while many liberals may perhaps share the satisfaction of having been right about Iraq and Afghanistan from the very beginning, this does not mean (1) that they are gleeful over the damage that has been done to America, and more perniciously, (2) that they brought it about or desired it. The current weakening of...
The Bible is Fiction
Ian McKellen, cast in the movie The DaVinci Code, had some choice words about the bible in recent interview: Matt Lauer: "There have been calls from some religious groups, they wanted a disclaimer at the beginning of this movie saying it is fiction because one of the themes in the book really knocks Christianity right on its ear, if Christ...
idiots rule
"Everything you love, everything meaningful with depth and history, all passionate authentic experiences will be appropriated, mishandled, watered down, cheapened, repackaged, marketed and sold to the people you hate." -- Mr. Jalopy....
Organizational Automatons
The day we took a whirlwind tour of houses for sale to reinforce our idea that this new house was really The One, I noticed that some of the houses where people were still in residence had magazine-spread type homes that were picture perfect and even left little bowls of candy for the folks visiting, etc. Now that I'm frantically...
Alabama needs better sex ed classes. Seriously.
The website goodasyou.com pointed out an anti-gay "sex-ed" (no actual education included) pamphlet distributed by an Alabama Middle School that has a quote that literally made me snort soda out of my nose a few minutes ago. These same sex “unions” cannot provide an adequate means of achieving a genuine physical relationship with another human being because this type of...
Favorite Quotes
"Cocaine is a drug whose principle effect is to make assholes feel good about themselves." -- from Kent, in the comments on Ian's blog....
Fame
The time of getting fame for your name on its own is over. Artwork that is only about wanting to be famous will never make you famous. Any fame is a by-product of making something that means something. You don't go to a restaurant and order a meal because you want to have a shit. -- Banksy...
Really?
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. -- Albert Einstein I'll have to double-check on that one, because it sounds like one of those quotes that we hope is true, but later find out isn't....
Buffy Quotes
A big fat list I had stashed somewhere on my hard drive, that I just recently unearthed. Heh. It's not comprehensive; it's missing the last few years of the show. Like for example, it's missing this cool quote that Mike just posted on his site: "Anchovies, anchovies you're so delicious. I love you more than all the other fishes." -Dawn...
President Washington Used Electronic Wiretaps
"President Washington, President Lincoln, President Wilson, President Roosevelt have all authorized electronic surveillance on a far broader scale." -- Attorney General Alberto Gonzales while testifying before congress on illegal wiretapping No, I'm not shitting you, he really said that, and you can see the video yourself. Can I also point out that aside from the fact that there weren't electronics...
Corett Scott King Quotes
"I still hear people say that I should not be talking about the rights of lesbian and gay people and I should stick to the issue of racial justice," she said. "But I hasten to remind them that Martin Luther King Jr. said, 'Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.' I appeal to everyone who believes in Martin Luther...
I'm just saying
Quiero lamer te hasta que te vengas en mi boca mil veces. -- From the L-Word (of course)....
What have you given us, Dr. Franklin?
It's Benjamin Franklin's 300th birthday. The story goes that, as Franklin left the Constitutional Convention in 1787, he was approached by a Mrs. Powell, who asked him, "What have you given us, Dr. Franklin?" "A republic," he replied, "if you can keep it." With Alito, looks like that's pretty much gone, now....
If you can't maim them, Auntie Mame them
Mame Dennis: Well, now, uh, read me all the words you don't understand. Patrick Dennis: Libido, inferiority complex, stinko, blotto, free love, bathtub gin, monkey glands, Karl Marx... is he one of the Marx Brothers? Patrick Dennis: ...Neurotic, heterosexual... Mame Dennis: Oh, my my my my, what an eager little mind. [takes the list] Mame Dennis: You won't need some...
Thomas Jefferson
"Bear in mind this sacred principle, that though the will of the majority is in all cases to prevail, that will, to be rightful, must be reasonable; that the minority possess their equal rights, which equal laws must protect, and to violate would be oppression." --Thomas Jefferson: 1st Inaugural, 1801. ME 3:318...
Quote of the week: "I got saved at an Amway Meeting"
Found in middle of Salon Magazine's article "Verily, I sell unto you" -- on the new trend of Christian business owners advertising their faith as a part of their business. I knew there was a great reason not to go to Amway meetings....
New Favorite Quote
Again from the Television Without Pity recap of Carnivale, this time from the season finale: "Libby crosses the carnival to find Sofie hanging out by a tent, and they both kick off their date by lighting cigarettes. Flick...ahh. Then they stare deep into each other's eyes and kiss. I think it's kind of sad that I'm watching this on TV,...
Alanis: Irony Defined.
Irony defined -- by the British, of course, because they did invent the language after all. I'm posting this here because I'm resisting the temptation to send it directly to people. Favorite part so far: "every one of us, I'd guess, has a friend who engages in an argument, waits patiently until you've said something really trenchant and probably wrong,...
Good vs. Evil
"And of course, he chose evil. I guess you can't blame him, that's where all the money and glamour is. The good side just has a bunch of broke, ignored, frustrated do-gooders. Evil has the top shelf gin and those nice thick ice cubes that keep the drink cold for as long as it takes. Fuckers."...
Glass Dog
I assume you're looking for some hot little thing in a Catholic schoolgirl uniform-type with the freckles and the button nose and the big tits, like? Some sort of virgin-whore who's wild in the sack and talks dirty only when she's whispering in your ear? Uhhhhhh, she's right over there. Pass her a note, purse your lips a little,...
Favorite quote of the week
"I haven't been up that early since Princess Diana's wedding." -- Carrie Bradshaw, Sex in the City....
Indigo Girls
New favorite lyric: "You are so baroque; all of those words, just to tell me no." -- from"Yield", Become You, the Indigo Girls...
Words To Live By
Discontent is the penalty we pay for being ungrateful for what we have.
cool quote
Garrison Kellior: Frankness is good for friendship: It weeds out puny friendships and strengthens the healthy ones....
Garrison Kellior: A true friend
Garrison Kellior: A true friend is someone you could call up and say, "I'm a wreck and I'm coming over and staying with you for a couple days." Or you could say, "I'm sorry to call you at 3 a.m. but I'm sitting in a truck stop confused and missing my pants and need you to come get me."...
honesty is the best policy
I like the phrase "honesty is the best policy." It sort of implies that you've tried other policies, and realized they didn't work. It's not one of those "because I said so" kind of instructions. It's like the voice of experience talking. Sort of : "I've been a big liar, but it really wasn't all it's cracked up to be."...
where else would I meet you?
Random thought I was smart enough not to say outloud to someone who suggested I go to hell: I must already be there; where else would I meet you?"...
stealing from our fellow beings
Any time we accumulate more than we actually need, we are actually stealing from our fellow beings," explains Feuerstein. This reminds me of much of the criticism I've received lately.... Sometimes I think the only way to get my work recognized as being significant will be to find the right place to bury it in the yard for future generations....
Things I said...
I don't need clones. You have to feed them. What I need is a doppelganger. You can't straddle the fence without bruising your genitalia. On George W. Bush: I don't want a president who's done more drugs than me. On President G. W. Bush: At the very least, I can say I'm smarter than the President of the United States....
The Wisdom Of Supermodels
Note: Most of these quotes have been debunked on Snopes.com as untrue. ON COURAGE: "They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, 'Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind.'" -Cindy Crawford ON POVERTY: "Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery." -Beverly Johnson...
One-Liners From Your Favorite Comics
p>A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too. - Jake Johansen A study in the Washington Post says that women have better...
Funny Quotes
You coveteth my ice cream bar, but you cannot have it. I have had this ice cream bar since I was a child.
— Ren, from Ren and Stimpy
One-Liners About Books
They got the library at Alexandria -- they're not getting mine.
Yes, They Really Said That...
Unbelievable quotes of the rich and famous.
Quayle Quotes
Recently, Dan Quayle announced his intentions to run for President of the U.S. in 2000. Since many younger voters may not have been watching the news when these were said the first time, we provide you with this list of famous Quayle quotes.
Inspirational Quotes
g'nothi s'auton - Know thy self — inscription on the wall of the temple at Delphi You don't drown by falling in water. You drown by staying there. — Robert Allen If at first you don't succeed, you are running about average. — M. H. Anderson Live, live, live! Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to...
On the Subject of Love
There is a Law that man should love his neighbor as himself. In a few years it should be as natural to mankind as breathing or the upright gait; but if he does not learn it he must perish.
— Alfred Adler
Jane Austen
My favorite quotes from her correspondence.
Ode To The Malty Brew
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a...
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