Part Two: Beware the Mall

At about noon Nancy reached from her home with Tippy the house llama in tow. She punched her security code into the electrified picket fence and darted into the street. After ascertaining that her charge cards were indeed safe from the felonious, traction-thieving fiends, Nancy had begun to search for clues on her previous case. Tippy had a nose for patent leather and had caught the scent wafting through the streets, possibly from a nearby mall. Nancy had hardly taken the time to apply a fresh coat of lip gloss and slip into a pair of sturdy Italian walking shoes before rushing to the scene.

Upon arriving at the mall and after using the Vulcan neck pinch to get Tippy past the security guard, Nancy started on the search for the perfect shoes to go with the perfect dress for the party at which she would announce her engagement to her long-time chum and steady date, Ned. for a moment Nancy gazed fondly at the gargantuan stone on her engagement finger, little realizing that the light refracting from her ring was slowly burning a hole in the glass window enclosing the pigmy marmosets in the pet store. "Golly, he's swell," she thought, "He sure must love me lots to buy me a diamond this big."

  Imagine some menacing music here.  

Nancy's reverie was abruptly broken as the Mall's Easter Bunny crept up behind her and pressed a smelly cloth over her mouth and nose. "What in blazes are you doing?" She demanded. "Drat! Wrong Hankie. Just a minute," he growled in a menacing voice as he fumbled through his bunny suit. "A-Ha!" Nancy stood aghast as he whipped out a new cloth, this one with polka dots, and pressed it over her mouth, leaving her time for one thought before she succumbed to the chloroform. "God Bless it! Can't a budding sleuth go anywhere with out some thug in costume sticking a smelly hankie in her face? Daddy was right, I should have become a stewardess."

(If you are wondering at this point what happened to Tippy, the loyal protector and house llama, there is a simple explanation. There is only one flaw in the protective capabilities of a llama: the hopeless fear of bunnies. Upon seeing the crazed, 8-foot Easter Bunny foaming at the mouth and rushing toward them, Tippy's worst fears were realized and her body entered a fight or flight reaction. She dived into the nearest fountain and raised one hoof, hoping to pass as an exceptionally realistic statue. There she remained with people throwing coins at her for the next three days.)

The mall was in pandemonium as frenzied toddlers and parents with Polaroid cameras chased after the rabbit while a jubilant (spelling?) herd of pigmy marmosets gleefully terrorized senior citizens by chasing them backwards around the carousel. As for Nancy, she remained blissfully unaware of her apocalyptic surroundings as she was dragged feet-first from the mall.

She awoke in a small and mysteriously musty place. After two hours of speed bumps she cleverly deduced that her captor was fleeing with her in the trunk of their car. The only other occupants of the cramped space were a puppet of Bobo Fraggle and envelopes containing words like "Meaning of Life," "Contents of 'Mystery Meat'" and "Directions to the fountain of youth." These would be of no help to her, and scream as she might no one would hear her here. (Say those last words five times fast if you dare.)

If only she had brought her Acme Trunk-Opening Kit, but alas, it was currently sliding across the floor of her tractionless home. With tears in her eyes the pounded the floor in frustration and the desperate need to pee. (which is clearly understandable given the fact that she never peed once in the original series).

But Lo, she was struck with an epiphany. Her ring! "Diamonds are the strongest substance known to man," she thought. "With the exception of some synthetic materials created in the lab, of course. I'll dig my way out!" Even Bobo looked impressed. She positioned her ring against the lining of the trunk and gasped as it crumbled before her very eyes. (the ring, not the trunk) "Cubic Zirconia? Curses!"

This means "shit," but she's too nice and genteel to say it in front of a fraggle.

How will she get out? What is the meaning of life? What IS in mystery meat and will we have it for lunch tomorrow? Find out next time.

On to Part Three of Our Story!