Rejected Openings for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
From theonering.net One morning, when Harry Potter woke from troubled dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed into a horrible vermin. It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single wizard in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wand. The sky above Privet Drive was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel....
Funny Lists
Including: Top Fifteen Signs Your Webmaster is in a Cult, 25 Very Short Books, Questions to Ponder about Viagra, Top Ten Slogans Currently Being Considered by Viagra, Are You Normal?, etc. [218 entries.]
Ways To Tell A Man His Fly Is Unzipped
You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
More Neologisms
Neologisms are alternate meanings for common words. Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do. Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall. Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage....
Queer Quotes
Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?" -- Jon Stewart
Etiquette Tips For The Gay Male Wedding
1. On the day of a gay wedding, it's bad luck for the two grooms to see each other at the gym. 2. Superstition suggests that for good luck the couple should have something bold, something flirty, something trashy, something dirty. 3. It's customary at gay and lesbian nuptials for the parents to have an open bar during the ceremony....
The Chaos
by Gerard Nolst Trenité Dearest creature in creation Studying English pronunciation, I will teach you in my verse Sounds like corpse, corps, horse and worse....
Valentines Day Thoughts From The Quotable And Notable
I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid. -- Dorothy Parker
Chapter Titles in Jim McGreevey's Book
From "The Late Show With David Letterman," Top Ten Lists: 10. "The Day I Got Caught Governing Myself" 9. "How to Pretend to Like Girls for 47 Years" 8. "From Schwarzenegger to Pataki: Governors I'd Like to Oil Up" 7. "Another Confession – I Can't Resist Entenmann's Pound Cake" 6. "At First I Just Thought I Was Bipartisan" 5. "The...
How To Identify Where A Driver Is From
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO 2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK 3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY 4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON 5. One hand on wheel, one hand on...
Deja... What?
Stacy Mineart A funny list of definitions written several years ago by my sister. Ok, so the following are other, less common forms of deja vu: Deja boo: The feeling that I've been frightened like this before Deja coup: The feeling my government has been overthrown like this before. Deja clue: The feeling that colonel mustard has done it in...
10 Dating Tips By Way of Hollywood
author unknown 1. People Who Hate Each Other on Sight Usually End Up Falling in Love ("The Way We Were," "Titanic," most Astaire/Rogers movies). Actually, people who hate each other when they first meet usually work very hard to avoid each other in the future. And if you ever really tried the sort of things Hollywood calls "meeting cute" -...
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
Author Unknown ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road and there was much rejoicing. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from...
Star Wars... Pants?
Lines from Star Wars that can be improved if you substitute the word "Pants" for key words.
More Things I Learned From The Movies
Signals If a tapping sound or flashing light represents morse code, there's always someone around that can interpret the message. When Morse Code is used, the interpreter will call out words as they are being sent, rather than letters. Furthermore, a single word is represented by a few "beeps", and all words are sent at the same rate, no matter...
Things You Would Never Know Without The Movies
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.
Time-Honored Truths and Universal Laws
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Points to Ponder... Why Ask Why?
Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?
Cynics Guide to Life
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
Permutations of Borg...
Author Unknown Since Borgs have come up recently in a conversation I had, I thought it would be funny to surface this joke list while moving it from my static pages into my content management system. Unfortunately, lots of the jokes are dated by now....
The Drunkard's To Do List
by Frank Rich
A Short Glossary for Culture Warriors
CHRISTIAN PRINCIPLES: Hurt other people, apologize to Jesus, and get into Heaven.
Ten Reasons Why Halloween is Better than Sex
If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters
After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
Everything I Need To Know, I Learned From 1980s Horror Movies
Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawn mowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.
Bad Halloween Jokes
Author Unknown Q. Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry? A. They're afraid of flying off the handle! Q. Who won the skeleton beauty contest? A. No body Q. What do skeletons say before they begin dining? A. Bone appetit ! Q. Where do baby ghosts go during the day? A. Dayscare centers Q. Who did...
Fun Things To Do Anywhere
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
The Redneck Dictionary of Medical Terms
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria.
How to Sing the Blues
A Primer For Beginners
The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers
Author Unknown 20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95. 19. Fetch command not available on all platforms. 18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side. 17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit. 16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail." 15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating. 14....
The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers
Author Unknown 20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95. 19. Fetch command not available on all platforms. 18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side. 17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit. 16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail." 15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating. 14....
Computer T-Shirt Sayings
Author Unknown Abandon all hope, ye who PRESS ENTER here (A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore? (A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend it didn't happen? Any given program will expand to fit available memory plus 1K Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (K)ill something Calm down -- it's only ones and zeroes Computers are like the Old Testament God -- lots of rules and no mercy Computers...
How Does a Chicken Cross the Road?
Microsoft Chicken (TM): It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.
You Know You Work for An American Corporation When...
You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
New Job Interview Techniques
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
Neologisms and New Words Dictionary: A - L
Neologisms are alternate meanings for common words - a few of those, plus some new words from old ones.
100 Best Things About Being a Gay Man
1. You truly don't care who Julia Roberts is sleeping with. 2. You understand the difference between 43 brands of imported vodka. 3. You can call anyone "honey" including pets. 4. You know someone who definitely was in the emergency room with Richard Gere and the gerbil. 5. You understand the immense importance of good lighting. 6. You can be...
What Is An Irishman?
Loves religion for its own sake, but also because it makes it so inconvenient for his neighbors.
Laffy Taffy Jokes (the worst jokes in the world)
These jokes came from the Laffy Taffy Candy; we don't vouch for their quality because we didn't make them up.
Haiku Error Messages
A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone. A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone. ABORTED effort: Close all that you have. You ask far too much. Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. Errors have occurred. We won't tell you where or why. Lazy programmers. Everything is...
Help with Report Writing - Systematic Buzz Phrase Projector
Those of us used to writing technical and business reports know how difficult it can be to use just the right phrase to convey the true depth of your topic. Now, professionals and students alike can seem like etymological geniuses, thanks to the "Systematic Buzz Phrase Projector" created by Phillip Broughton, a U.S. Public Health Service official.
New Medical Leave and Related Company Policies
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks.
New List of Appropriate Language For Work
It has been brought to the Management's attention that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees. Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated.
Neologisms and New Words Dictionary: M-Z
Neologisms are alternate meanings for common words - a few of those, plus some new words from old ones.
A Women's Glossary
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.: A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
What Your Resume Really Means
I'm Extremely Adept At All Manner Of Office Organization: I can make my own coffee.
New Office Lingo
Author Unknown Adminisphere: Middle Management: the rarified organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss. Beepilepsy: The brief siezure people...
Things You Learn About Computers In The Movies...
Author Unknown Word processors never display a cursor. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences. All monitors display 2 inch high letters. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and...
How To Write A Recommendation Letter That You Don't Really Mean
Having to write letters of recommendation for people with very dubious qualifications can cause serious legal troubles in a time when laws have eroded the confidentiality of business letters.
The Laws of Work
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would Wonder Woman handle this?"
Hickbonics/English Dictionary
HEIDI - (noun): Greeting.
The Top 13 Reasons Jerry Falwell Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is Gay
Fonzie: has an "office" in the men's room and always tells guys to "sit on it."
How Santa Wishes He Could Answer Letters
How 'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Things Not to Say When Hanging the Lights
Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? One Psychiatrist claims the other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. He is rarely wrong on these things. We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.
Company Christmas Party Memo
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
Signs You Won't Be Receiving a Christmas Bonus This Year
Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw
Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty at Christmas But Aren't
I think your balls are hanging too low.
Fun Ways To Confuse Santa Claus
Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
Signs You Bought a Bad Christmas Tree
Keeps heckling your lame top ten list
You Might Be A Scrooge If...
If your favorite pastime is putting defective bulbs in your neighbors' string of Christmas lights or defacing Christmas lawn characters with eggnog - you just might be a Scrooge
A Martha Stewart Christmas
The following are entries submitted in the Washington Post's "Style Invitational," a weekly humor contest. This time, folks were asked to submit entries for Martha Stewart's December-January calendar (the winning entry, by the way, is shown for Jan. 31.)
The 10 Worst Gifts A Man Can Buy A Woman For The Holidays
Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your girlfriend).
Cat Property Laws
1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If I saw it first, it's mine. 3. If it's in my paw, it's mine. 4. If it looks like mine, it's mine. 5. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 6. If I can take it away from you, it's mine. 7. If there's more than one, ALL...
Politically correct cat definitions
My cat does not barf hairballs; he is a floor/rug redecorator. My cat does not break things; she helps gravity do its job. My cat does not fear dogs; they are merely sprint practice tools. My cat does not gobble; she eats with alacrity. My cat does not scratch; he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator. My cat does not yowl; he...
Rules for cats to live by
BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand...
Cat Psychological Test
Answer the following questions to determine if your cat has psychological problems that require treatment by a professional therapist. Does your cat sleep 22 hours a day, and spend the other two hours in non-stop eating? Does your cat take frequent naps in annoying places, such as in the center of the dinner table, in the kitchen sink, or on...
What If People Bought Cars Like They Buy Computers?
Author Unknown General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers - but imagine if they did? HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!" HELPLINE: "Did you put the key...
The Greatest Internet One-Liners
Author Unknown Home is where you hang your @ The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. Great groups from little icons grow. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. C: is the root of all directories. Don't...
11 Reasons Why Prison Is Better Than Work
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.
Top Ten Signs You Have Joined A Cheap HMO
Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
Dictionary of Evaluation Comments
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
New CBS program: "Gay Survivor"
Fifteen Gay males are put in a faboulous two bedroom condo in South Beach. Each week they vote out one of the group until there is one survivor who will get a $1 million Gucci (by Tom Ford) shopping spree.
You Know You're Gay When...
You Know You're Gay When... You wear the appropriate underwear for each of your dates.
All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From The Easter Bunny
All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From The Easter Bunny 1. Don't put all of your eggs in one basket 2. Walk softly and carry a big carrot 3. Everyone needs a friend who is all ears 4. There's no such thing as too much candy 5. All work and no play can make you a basket...
Darwin Awards 2001
The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.
Ten Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password
Author Unknown 10. E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy." 9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard. 8. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnap. 7. Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.feline.com/. 6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it ... and a strange aroma of tuna. 5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer...
Job Advertisment Glossary
COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
Jewish English or 'Hebonics'
The Encino School Board has declared Jewish English a second language. Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics as the language of many of America's Jews. Here are some descriptions of the characteristics of the language, and samples of phrases in standard English and Jewish English.
Parent's Dictionary
Amnesia: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
Darwin Awards 2000
The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.
Silly State Laws
North Carolina: It is illegal to make love on the floor of a hotel room between two double beds.
Accidental Accident Reports
The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible. Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetency can be highly entertaining.
In the Park
Actual comments received in 1996 from the Bridger Wilderness registration sheets and comment cards:
Letters to Landlords
Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords by their tenants.
Actual Label Instructions On Consumer Goods
On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
Actual News Headlines
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
English as a Fifth Language
These sayings were on a pad of paper my boss got in Chinatown:
Student Bloopers, Part 7 - Science Facts & Legends
The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and class room discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the 'most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.'
Student Bloopers, Part 6 - High School Essay Contest: Worst Analogies
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
Student Bloopers, Part 5 - Quotes from 11 Year-Old's Science Exams
When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.
Student Bloopers, Part 4 - Where They Get It
A list of parental excuses supposedly sent to teachers. In these samples, names were replaced with either Fred or Mary to protect innocent and guilty alike.
Student Bloopers, Part 3 - Children's Proverbs
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.
Student Bloopers Part 2 - World History
Richard Lederer, St. Paul's School One of thefringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you...
Student Bloopers Part 2 - World History
One of thefringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
Student Bloopers, Part 1 - European History
Those who forget history--and the English language--may be condemned to mangle both. Historian Anders Henriksson, a five- year veteran of the university classroom, has faithfully recorded his freshman students' more striking insights into European history. Possibly as an act of vengeance, Henriksson has assembled these fractured fragments into a chronological narrative from the Middle Ages to the present.
The Wisdom Of Supermodels
Note: Most of these quotes have been debunked on Snopes.com as untrue. ON COURAGE: "They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, 'Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind.'" -Cindy Crawford ON POVERTY: "Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery." -Beverly Johnson...
Travel Agent Stories
The following are actual stories told by travel agents... A woman called to make reservations; "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent...
Quotes Taken from Performance Evaluations
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." "I would not allow this employee to breed." "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."...
Actual Job Interview Excerpts
A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The low lights: Said he was so well-qualified [that] if he didn't get the job, it would prove that the company's management was incompetent. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application....
My Manager Really Said This
A magazine recently ran a Dilbert quotes contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the submissions
More Kid's Wisdom
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Kids Say The Darndest Things
Questions concerning love and wisdom were posed to a group of children (ages 5 to 10). Their responses were amazingly astute, very enlightening, and amusing.
Children's Letters to God
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? - Jane
Actual Church Bulletin Bloopers
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife. A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What...
What To Do If An Anaconda Attacks You
Excerpt is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for volunteers working in the Amazon Jungle. It details what to do if an anaconda attacks you. Related to the boa constrictor, the anaconda is the largest snake species in the world. It grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs 300 to 400 pounds.
What the Airport Gate Attendants Think of You
Nick says: This was given to me by an Continetal airline gate attendant at Newark International Airport. We had been standing around chatting for a couple of hours while a plane was flown in to take me on a MUCH delayed flight.
Air Force Maintenance Complaints
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
Airplane Landings
Real stories from Flight Attendants apologizing for rough transport on the airlines.
Airplane Maintenance Reports
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
Actual Newpaper Ads
These ads supposedly appeared in real papers. "Bite the wax tadpole." - Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave." - ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese "It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant." - Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad "Retraction: The 'Greek Special' is a...
Military Aircraft Registration Card
This was actually posted as a joke very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course, does not (have a sense of humor) - and made the web department take it down immediately. (McDonnell Douglas, now a part of Boeing, is one of the world's chief suppliers of military aircraft.)
The Ultimate Email Urban Legend
Author Unknown A young man was diagnosed with a life-threatening bout of food poisoning after eating part of a cooked rat that had fallen into his eight-piece chicken dinner that he had purchased from Kentucky Fried Chicken. After his recovery, he felt great, and remembering that it was National Friendship week, he asked his geeky roommate to go out and...
One-Liners From Your Favorite Comics
p>A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too. - Jake Johansen A study in the Washington Post says that women have better...
Love, Lust and Marriage
Love: Long drives through the countryside
Harsh Things To Say To A Naked Man
How sweet, you brought incense.
101 Things You Shouldn't Say During Sex
author unknown 1. But everybody looks funny naked! 2. You woke me up for that? 3. Did I mention the video camera? 4. Do you smell something burning? 5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead... 6. Try breathing through your nose. 7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone! 8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? 9....
If God Were A Computer Programmer
Some Important Theological Questions are Answered if we think of God as a Computer Programmer.
Techno Toasters
Author Unknown If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you. If Radio...
Watch Out For These Computer Viruses
Author Unknown Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. Airline Luggage Virus: You're in Chicago, but your data is in Singapore. Woody Allen virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card. AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you're getting with them as your phone company. MCI Virus:...
Computer Geek T-Shirts
Author Unknown Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster. 2 + 2 = 5 for extrememly large values of 2. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. My software never has bugs. It just develops...
The Office Personality Test
Every office has an Office Spaz, an Office Psycho, an Office Lump, and an Office Martyr. Which one are you?
Thoughts From The Workplace...
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
Top 11 Reasons To Go To Work Naked
Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.
12 Tips for Managers and Bosses
Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
Business Horoscopes
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
Male/Female Dictionary
Wants And Needs (wontz and nedz) n. Female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship. Male: Food, sex and beer.
Computer Definitions
404: Someone who's clueless. From the WWW message "404, URL not found." Meaning that the document you've tried to access can't be located. "Don't bother asking him; he's 404."
The Numbers of the Beast
OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know that: 665.999 - Approximate number of the Beast DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast 666.0000 - Number of the High Precision Beast...
Why God Never Received a Ph.D.
Author Unknown He had only one major publication. It was in Hebrew. It had no references. It wasn't published in a refereed journal. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then? His cooperative efforts have been quite limited. The scientific community has had a...
Top 12 Sexual Lines in Star Wars
1. She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid. 2. Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough! 3. Look at the size of that thing! 4. Sorry about the mess... 5. You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought. 6. Aren't you a little short for a storm trooper? 7. You've...
How To Write Good
by Frank L. Visco and others Always avoid alliteration. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. Avoid clichés like the plague -- they're old hat. Employ the vernacular. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary....
How To Determine YOUR Star Wars Name
Author Unknown For your new first name: 1. Take the first 3 letters of your 1st name 2. and add the first 2 letters of your last name. For your new last name: 3. Take the first 2 letters of your Mom's maiden name 4. and add the first 3 letters of the city you were born in. How to...
English Subtitles
From Harper's Magazine July issue From a list of English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong, compiled by Stefan Hammond and Mike Wilkins for their book Sex and Zen and a Bullet in the Head, to be published in August by Fireside. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way. Fatty, you with your think face...
Top Ten Slogans Currently Being Considered by Viagra
Author Unknown 10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper." 9. "One-a-day, like iron." 8. "Get a piece of the rock."...
Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery
Author Unknown Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness. Bo! Bo! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!...
Top 15 Complaints of a Modern Day Vampire
author unknown 15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead. 14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap. 13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs. 12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time 11. Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!" 10. After 45...
Theme Songs For The Viagra Commercials
Author Unknown While Pfizer has had a lot of great press reagarding the launch of Viagra, the new male impotency medication, its marketing department has been working vigorously to develop its advertising campaign to augment its sales once all of the PR has died down. While going through potential commercials, they realized that such an important medication needed a theme...
Revised State Mottoes
Author Unknown Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong! Arizona: Dehyd-rific! - or - But It's a Dry Heat Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthang California: As Seen on TV...
Questions to Ponder about Viagra
Author Unknown If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut? If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before approving Viagra coverage, what are they going to use? A growth chart? I dropped a Viagra in a jar of small sweet pickles last night and this morning had a jar full of big...