You Know You Work for An American Corporation When...
You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
Work Jokes
We have to laugh at the office, or we might cry. [41 entries.]
New Job Interview Techniques
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
Help with Report Writing - Systematic Buzz Phrase Projector
Those of us used to writing technical and business reports know how difficult it can be to use just the right phrase to convey the true depth of your topic. Now, professionals and students alike can seem like etymological geniuses, thanks to the "Systematic Buzz Phrase Projector" created by Phillip Broughton, a U.S. Public Health Service official.
New Medical Leave and Related Company Policies
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks.
New List of Appropriate Language For Work
It has been brought to the Management's attention that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees. Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated.
Major U.S. Research University Discovers New Element
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0.
What Your Resume Really Means
I'm Extremely Adept At All Manner Of Office Organization: I can make my own coffee.
New Office Lingo
Author Unknown Adminisphere: Middle Management: the rarified organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss. Beepilepsy: The brief siezure people...
How To Write A Recommendation Letter That You Don't Really Mean
Having to write letters of recommendation for people with very dubious qualifications can cause serious legal troubles in a time when laws have eroded the confidentiality of business letters.
The Laws of Work
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would Wonder Woman handle this?"
Company Christmas Party Memo
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
11 Reasons Why Prison Is Better Than Work
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.
Top Ten Signs You Have Joined A Cheap HMO
Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
Dictionary of Evaluation Comments
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
Job Advertisment Glossary
COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
Customer "Support" At A Phone Company
I work in Boston, Massachusetts. A co-worker just told me this true story that happened to him this morning. He had a dispute about a phone-card bill for long distance service from his long-distance carrier, which we shall refer to by the three-letter acronym TLA to protect the guilty.
Travel Agent Stories
The following are actual stories told by travel agents... A woman called to make reservations; "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent...
The Bricklayer's Accident Report
This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. So here, thanks to John Sedgwick is this Bricklayer's report:
Quotes Taken from Performance Evaluations
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." "I would not allow this employee to breed." "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."...
Actual Job Interview Excerpts
A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The low lights: Said he was so well-qualified [that] if he didn't get the job, it would prove that the company's management was incompetent. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application....
My Manager Really Said This
A magazine recently ran a Dilbert quotes contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the submissions
The Ultimate Email Urban Legend
Author Unknown A young man was diagnosed with a life-threatening bout of food poisoning after eating part of a cooked rat that had fallen into his eight-piece chicken dinner that he had purchased from Kentucky Fried Chicken. After his recovery, he felt great, and remembering that it was National Friendship week, he asked his geeky roommate to go out and...
The Office Personality Test
Every office has an Office Spaz, an Office Psycho, an Office Lump, and an Office Martyr. Which one are you?
Getting Into Heaven
Three nurses died and went to Heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
Job Position Ad for SoulWaste
Join the dynamic team here at SoulWaste. We want people who believe in the hi-tech religion and who are willing to work 60 hour weeks under florescent lights in grey buildings with windows that don't open.
How Shit Happens
In the beginning, there was the plan.
Thoughts From The Workplace...
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
Top 11 Reasons To Go To Work Naked
Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.
Who Should Be The Manager
The brain said, Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the manager.
12 Tips for Managers and Bosses
Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
Business Horoscopes
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
You Know You Work In The '90s When...
You consider 2nd day Air Delivery and Inner-office Mail painfully slow.
Hurdling Cube Walls - A real memo from my work
Yep - it's a real memo from my workplace about not jumping over the cubicle walls.
Total Eclipse of Communication
Tomorrow morning at nine o' clock, the Managing Director will disappear. It's a pity that we can't see this happen everyday.
Great Business Mergers
If only these companies would merge...
12 Signs You're Suffering From Work Burnout
You don't set your alarm anymore because you know your cellphone will go off before your alarm does.
Fun Things to Ask Your Human Resources Representative
If you work for a decent-sized company, you've been forced to sit through a presentation by the Human Resources department reviewing your benefits. I guess they're less liable if they can prove they've wasted an hour of your time reading from a company brochure. Here's a list of questions to ask your HR representative during the presentation. Caution: for amusement only. Not liable for discontinued employment.
The Boss
Quote from a recent meeting: We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done.
Differences Between You and Your Boss
When you take a long time on a project, you're slow. When your boss takes a long time on a project, she/he's thorough.
25 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work
It's an incentive to show up.
Top 10 Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk
They told me at the blood bank this might happen!
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